A few things I've learned the last few years:
#1 Always remember the purpose of parenting: To help your children navigate this life. Your job is to help them grow into healthy, productive adults in this world. Don't just try to make them mini versions of you, or anyone else for that matter. Help shape and mold them based on the clay you were given. Each child is unique in their thoughts and natural personality. Hone and shape who they are to begin with by helping them overcome habits that may normally be turned toward selfish/damaging pursuits.
#2 Always parent in love: Never discipline in anger. Always have your children's best interests at heart. Whether you are reading with or discipling your daughter, you should always be acting in love. Remembering rule #1, you will not help your child in anything but being bullies if you are selfishly acting out in annoyance or anger when your child misbehaves. It may be easier to love your son when he's smiling and playing joyfully, but you are nevertheless called to act in love when he's acting like the immature child he is. Something that I believe goes along with parenting in love is the importance of having strong convictions about your parenting style and decisions. You should know why you've placed the boundaries you have for your children. Is a certain rule in place in order to teach your child a certain desirable trait or does it just make your life easier. You should also know which of these rules are standard rules of humanity and which of them are "house" rules. Help your children know the difference as well. Also remember that kids will be kids and you should never discipline for childishness (which is not the same thing as disobedience). Accidents happen and shouldn't be punished. An accidentally broken plate or spilled glass of milk is not a matter for punishment. It's a moment to love you son let him know that he's more important than a mess on the floor.
#3 Expect "first time" obedience: If you have to ask again (or threaten) they've already disobeyed once. Discipline them for their disobedience. Children learn that they can ignore you 5 times before you come tearing into their rooms screaming at them. Help them to obey you the first time by holding yourself accountable for the request you made, the first time you make it. We must not be tyrants though. In our house we allow petitions to be made requesting to delay obedience momentarily. For example, if we ask our son to stop coloring and put his crayons away he must first stop coloring and then (and only then) once he has begun to obey may he ask if he may finish coloring his picture first. Your willingness to accept the petition is of course dependent on the situation at hand. If he continues to color while he's asking for more time, the request is automatically denied because he disobeyed.
#4 Be consistent: Kid's are perceptive. They are also natural born gamblers. If they notice you usually give them five, six or ten warnings before you spank them or send them to their room they will almost always take a chance. They may know that one out of ten times you'll actually expect them to do what you asked the first time, but even they know that in this case 1 out of 10 ain't bad! If you've asked your 5 year old (who's used to the 1 out of 10 pattern) to put his book away and get ready for bed (and he really wants to keep reading) he's most likely willing to bet a spanking that he can get another 10 minutes or more to read if he just ignores you. Do you get it? He KNOWS it's unlikely that you'll do anything about his disobedience. Try to discover why you've allowed this to become common practice in the first place. This rolls right into the next rule...
#5 Be selfless: Yes of course you should be willing to put your wants aside for your child at times, but I'm speaking of something more specific here. You HAVE to be willing to be put out in order to train your kids in the right way. Very rarely is it convenient to parent. Are you willing to walk out of the store (and leave a cart full of groceries) in order to teach your son that he can't throw a fit without consequence? Are you willing to put your book down in the middle of an intriguing chapter to show him you were serious when you asked him (the first time) to put his toys away? Are you willing to excuse yourself from a conversation (or be embarrassed in front of your friends) in order show your daughter how to behave properly? This is an area I have a very hard time with. I find myself not even attempting to parent when I'm engaged in a personal activity. You want to play longer? Sure! You aren't ready to take a bath? That's okay! Just leave me alone so I can read my book. As a mother I have to be willing to put aside just about anything in order to train my son in a way that points him down healthy path. If I don't, he will quickly learn that its okay to neglect responsibility in the name of selfish pursuits.
#6 Never make idle threats: Never ask your children to do something you aren't willing to follow up on. Don't threaten them and always make sure you are willing to put your money where your mouth is (so to speak). If I tell my son, "Do not ask me again." I have to be willing to discipline him when/if he asks again. Ideally I shouldn't have had to tell him to not ask again in the first place. He should have accepted my answer the first time. Don't make excuses or allowances for disobedience. I hear people all the time say, "I knew he wouldn't listen when I told him to...." Then why did you ask? All you've done is teach him it's okay to ignore you. You have effectively removed any authority you are supposed to have. WIth this in mind, you also need to choose your battles wisely. We have made the mistake of "threatening" our son with being disciplined in order to avoid a confrontation. He called our bluff and we had to choose between punishing him for something we weren't comfortable with or allowing him to usurp our authority. You must be careful what you commit yourself to as a parent because you will, in the name of consistency, be required to follow through on every idle word you speak.
(an aside to this rule: I've heard people say, "I had to stick to what I said. I couldn't let him win!" This mindset is a dangerous one to have. Remember that parenting isn't a game. You, as the parent, are always in charge and your children are always under your authority. You are ultimately responsible for your choices as a parent, and if you abdicate your authority you've allowed your children to question who's in charge. If there is the possibility that your child can "win" at any given time, they will play to win. They need to know that this isn't a game (nor is it a war) that can be won or lost by them. Help them to see that they are to respect and honor you and your spouse. Your rules are to be obeyed and never challenged. I'm sure when I say "never challenged" people will become highly enraged and accuse me of being rigid and unreasonable. Please don't misunderstand what I mean. It is perfectly okay for your children to discuss any particular rule with you and it's important for them to understand why most of the rules are in place. BUT it is not okay for them to challenge you whenever they feel like getting their own way. This structured authority is truly a comfort to your children because it let's them know that they (as small as they are) are not in charge in this big world. They are able to see that someone bigger than they are (you, the parent) are taking care of them. All of this allows them to grow, learn, and prosper within the boundaries set by loving parents.)
#7 Never let your children play you against your spouse: This is another example of a kid's affinity for gambling. Make it a practice to teach your kids that if one parent has already answered the question then the issue has been settled. In our house, if we find out our son has asked the second parent for something when the first has already answered (unless of course the first parent answered, "go ask your father/mother") disciplinary action is automatic and any chance that the original decision would be reconsidered is now nil. Your children have to know that their parents are united in the parenting effort.
#8 Do not allow whining/begging: Whining/begging is many things. It is annoying, obnoxious, and disobedient If you've already given an answer the issue is settled. We have never allowed whining to become a habit in our house (anyone who knew me as a child would laugh at the idea that I of all people don't allow whining), but it does happen occasionally. Begging or bargaining typically loses our son whatever privilege he had been granted in the first place. When he tries to bargain for just a little better then we offered when he first asked, he quickly finds he should have been content with the original offer.
#9 Carefully weigh all advice (yes, even mine): This world is full of advice. Everyone is an expert and they happily tell you how you're doing things incorrectly. I have had parents tell me countless ways to train my son. Some of them were good ideas and some of them were clearly terrible (and some of them helped me possibly understand why their children behaved so badly). What you should always remember when considering new advice from anywhere is that you know your child and family better than anyone else. If someone is suggesting you implement a regimented schedule with no free time for your 5 year old and you know you and your family don't function optimally that way (who would???!!) then that is advice you probably should discard. If time out isn't something you agree with then it doesn't matter how many of your friends swear by the practice, it isn't something you should try. You know your child better than your neighbor, better than your doctor, better than the well published child psychologists. WIth this knowledge of your child comes the necessity that you be willing to be embarrassed when you know a countercultural method is what's best for your family. In my case, I had to have countless other mothers shake their head at me when I wouldn't leave our son in the nursery and let him cry his head off. I knew it wasn't what was best for him. I waited until he was ready to go on his own, and you know what, he eventually did (we now don't agree with nursery use, but that's another story). It didn't result in any delayed development and no social stunting occurred. If something doesn't feel right for your family, alter your methods accordingly.
and finally...
#10 Remember that you aren't perfect and you will mess something up: None of us get it right every time (or even close to every time). If you've erred along the way, ask forgiveness from your child and move on. Tomorrow is another day to practice being patient, kind, loving, diligent, consistent...
and a bonus or two:
#11 Begin with the end in mind: I think this came from one of those self help books (maybe Steven Covey's 7 Habits books?). Regardless, it's a good rule to keep in mind. Who do you want your son to be when he's 15? 25? 40? I'm not talking about his career. Whether he's a doctor, lawyer or ditch digger makes no difference. What habits and traits do you want him to be equipped with? What you teach him now helps determine who he will become in 30 years. You may think it's fun when your two year old "says the cutest thing!" but you won't think it's fun when he's 13 and he's learned to be a smart aleck because you didn't train him better when he was two. Bossy/whiney/lying/stealing children grown into bossy/whiney/lying/stealing adults if they aren't taught to eschew those sinful activities.
#12 Don't be a hypocrite: I once heard someone say that children tend to follow in the footsteps that you thought you covered up. Children can smell hypocrisy. While it is perfectly okay for parents to have more freedoms than their children it is not okay for them to have an entirely different rule book. For example, your children's bedtime is 8:00. You certainly don't go to bed at 8:00, but it doesn't make you a hypocrite. However, if you tell your children it isn't okay to steal and then you proceed to cheat on your taxes or steal paper from your office, you have now become a hypocrite. Children tend to do as they see and not as they are told. Help your children by modeling the behavior you expect in them. Be kind. Show patience. Be selfless. Help your daughter to be respectful of her father by showing your husband respect as well. Your children will tend to follow your lead.
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